Second Marriages

My wife and I are both in second marriages, not because either of us didn’t want our first marriage. Kathy was widowed while on the mission field in Brazil at the age of 26. Her husband was killed in a hit-and-run accident right before her eyes. She moved back to the states with their two children (Steve, age 4 and Kris, age 2). After a few months of initial grief recovery on her family’s Iowa farm, she and the children moved to Tulsa where Kathy would work for a national youth ministry called Christ in Youth.

My first marriage ended painfully, too. My wife of over eight years filed for divorce, and, of course, got it. We had a two year old son when she left. I was enrolled in college at the time, preparing for some kind of Christian service to which I felt God’s call. I really didn’t know how or where God intended to use me, but I felt confident of one thing – that He had called me to college.

Three years of university work lay ahead of me when I was spit back out into the world of singles. The first year was unquestionably the most difficult year of my life. Once served with divorce papers, I decided to drop out of college and return to secular employment. It seemed like the only reasonable thing to do. I didn’t see how I could make it through six more semesters; furthermore, I didn’t think that God would choose to use a divorced man. Thankfully, I worked for a devout Christian man who didn’t believe that our faith life is always reasonable. He encouraged me to persevere in my educational goals, to “walk by faith and not by sight.” So did my pastor.

The day I talked with my employer about my plans to drop out of school was a day of tremendous significance. With the influence of this outstanding Christian businessman and my pastor, I decided to stay in school one day at a time instead. And on May 6th, 1979, I did receive my B.A. degree.

Kathy and I were members of the same church in Tulsa. We became good friends through that last three years of my college work. For a long time, our relationship was purely platonic. Her two children and I had a great relationship, too. In my senior year, a romantic interest developed in both of us. This was scary for both of us. Neither of us wanted to be hurt again.

I was reluctant to consider a romantic interest in Kathy in part because I was divorced. No one blamed her for being single again. Unquestionably, she was free to remarry. In our biblically conservative communion, we both wondered if I were likewise free. After I wrestled with the issue for a few months, I asked Kathy to marry me. After she wrestled with the issue for a few months, she answered me. On November 23rd, 1979, we were married in our home church in Tulsa. We had discussed my relationship with Steve and Kris. Kathy knew that I loved her children, as I did her. So, even before we married, we set in motion the legal process for me to adopt the children. That was finalized in court about two weeks after we were married.

The Bible is clear about this: God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). I am a living testimony that God does not hate divorcees. I am also a living testimony of God’s amazing grace. Not only has He seen fit to bless me with incredible family relationships, He has found me worthy of His service. For almost 30 years, I have had the great honor of being one of the equipping ministers in His church. As such, one of my great passions is to help people work out the relational challenges that threaten marriages and families.