October 2009 - A Test!

This has been an unusually stressful month for me and my wife. Both of our mothers have not been in good health for quite awhile. Downturns in either could hardly be unexpected.

Kathy’s mom has been struggling for months with declining health. We had, therefore, planned a long weekend trip to see her Mom on October 16th through the 19th. On Wednesday, the 7th, however, we received a call from the care center that Mom Hebner had been taken to the ER; she was not responding well to staff. We headed for Iowa the next morning.

Kathy’s brothers and their wives all came to the care center, too. The eldest brother arrived on Saturday around 1 p.m.. Mom had been kind of in and out of consciousness and was somewhat communicative when conscious. She was able to be roused when Kathy’s brother and sister-in-law arrived Saturday afternoon. Around 4 p.m. that afternoon, she went into a state somewhere between conscious and unconscious. She could not open her eyes or speak, but would often have facial expressions or head nods that let you know that she was hearing things said to her. We spent precious family time huddled together in her little room.

Kathy spent the night with her mom Saturday. On Sunday, her oldest brother and his wife spent the night with her. We all knew she could slip away anytime. At about 1 a.m. that night, she did. Kathy’s brother called us as soon as she passed. We got up, got dressed, and drove to the care center. We stayed until the funeral home guy came to get her body. Somewhere around 3 a.m. we were back in bed.

I had planned to return to Tulsa on Monday. We had car trouble near Kansas City on our trip to Iowa and had to rent a car. I needed to return the rental and pick ours up from the repair shop. I also had appointments I felt I needed to keep at work. So, I came home and worked Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Through this week, Kathy and her brothers made funeral plans and took care of things like clearing Mom’s belongings out of her care center room. Friday, I drove back to Iowa. That evening we had the visitation at the funeral home.

The graveside service was in the morning and the memorial service in the afternoon on Saturday. Our children headed back home on Sunday afternoon. We returned on Monday.

We had just arrived home, had not even unpacked our car, when we received a phone call from a care center in our area. It was about a long-time elderly friend. Hospice had just informed the family that they expected her to pass within 24-36 hours. We hurriedly unpacked our car and rushed over to the care center. Our friend was barely responsive. She hung on until late Friday night.

I passed over another hugely significant experience in this week. Tuesday evening just after finishing my last appointment at 6:30, I received a call from a dear friend of ours. She was crying uncontrollably; I could hardly understand what she was saying. In fact, had it not been for caller ID, I might not have known who was crying out to me. I did hear this, “please come over; Kevin has hung himself.” Kevin was Sherry’s 41 year old son.

Kathy and I rushed to the home. As we approached the house, we saw the emergency vehicle lights. Wow! This must have just happened, I thought. It had happened sometime that afternoon. Sherry had just heard about it when she called me. She was rushing home from work as she called me, and only beat us there by minutes.

Sherry’s sister-in-law who lives with them found Kevin not long before this frantic phone call. He had hung himself in a shed in the back yard. It is hard to describe the scene of this devastated family. I was in shock myself. Investigators were all over the place. They did not remove the body for a long time. Kathy and I prayed for people. We hugged people. I made calls for the family to notify other family members.

Through the rest of this week, besides taking care of regular work responsibilities, we were going back and forth between the care center where our elderly friend was dying and our friends who were already devastated by death.

I was asked to perform both of these funeral services. It was an honor to serve. Both funerals were on Monday, October 26th. Two funerals could hardly be more different. The morning one involved such anguish. An untimely death is always difficult; suicide magnifies the pain considerably. The afternoon funeral was for a dear old lady who had outlived her only child and most of her friends at 93. It was a fun time of remembrance, mixed with the natural sadness of loss. This was a loss for which everyone had had years to prepare.

One more disturbing thing was stuck in the middle of all this drama. My own mother, as I indicated in my opening paragraph, had not been well for some time. On October 15th, the day before I headed to Iowa for my mother-in-laws funeral, Mom was taken to the ER with a heart rate of 134. She was admitted and many tests were run. Talk with the nurses over the next few days was not encouraging. She was mentally out of it much of the time. Sometimes she was her normal sweet self, expressing appreciation for the help of the hospital staff. Then, they said, she had times of “being mean to them”.

They got her stabilized and discharged her to a nursing home on the 20th. She will not return to her home, which upsets her greatly when she is mentally aware of the fact. We decided that we needed to go see her a.s.a.p., so we went to Indiana the last weekend of October.

That was a mixed-bag. For the most part, she was pleasant and mentally with us. I took my guitar, sang and played for her. She enjoyed it and expressed it.
There were disturbing things about the visit. For instance, when we first arrived, she was so happy to see us. She was in her wheelchair by the nurses’ station with a male resident sitting in front of her; they were sitting face-to-face. A nurse was standing nearby. Mom proudly and loudly introduced me to the nurse as her “#2 son.” That was cool.

But then, she pointed to the old fellow in front of her and said, “and THIS is my #1 son.” I tried to make light of it by saying, “So, Mom, did you adopt him?” She was not humored. She sternly ordered me to “go give your brother a hug and a kiss.” When I went to the old gentleman and extended my hand to introduce myself, Mom let it be known, in no uncertain terms, that “that’s no way to greet your brother.” Again, she ordered me to give him a hug and a kiss. Kathy rescued me by saying something like, “let’s go see your room, Mom.” I had nothing against the old gent, but I really wasn’t looking forward to hugging and kissing him. I don’t think he was looking forward to it either.

Well, we had some other disturbing experiences with her over the weekend. She was sometimes very confused and disoriented. It is hard to see my mother so mentally messed up. And it is getting visibly worse by the week. I expect to experience relief when I hear that she has slipped into Jesus’ everlasting arms.

It is out of our tests that we develop a testimony. I will conclude by telling you that through this month I have experienced God in a precious way. I have had strength to serve others that I knew was not my own. I have felt carried by the Spirit through several days. This is the grace of God at work. Grace is, fundamentally, Heaven’s resources to meet our earthly needs. You have heard that, “it is by grace that we are saved”; and I tell you that it is also by God’s grace that we live this Christian life.